These are some funny jokes and quotes. Some are rascist, some are sexist, and some are just stupid. There are lots of different types of jokes for different people here, so if you don't like the jokes at the beginning, keep reading and I'm pretty sure you'll find something good for you.

I'll probably add 5-10 jokes and quotes every week. If I had to name a specific number, I'd say about 1 joke and 1 quote every week.

Can you find the problem in the above sentence?

Jokes


Q: What position do u use to make ugly babies?
A: I dont know, ask ur parents.

Q: How do Indians take a shower?
A: They piss into the wind.

Q: What was Hitler's least favorite planet?
A: Jewpiter.

Q: What happens when a Chinese person with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.

Q: What's bedtime at the Michael Jackson house?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and WalMart have in common?
A: Childrens' pants - half off.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a sewing machine? A: A sewing machine sews things and Michael Jackson rapes children.

Q: What do you call one indian stranded on the moon?
A: A problem.
Q: What do you call ALL the indians stranded on the moon?
A: Problem solved.

Q: What do you call a bunch of gay indians on top of each other?
A: A scrotum pole.

Q: What's the most confusing day on the Native reserve?
A: Fathers' Day.

Q: How do you know a black person's been using your computer?
A: It's not there anymore.

Q: What do you call one black guy riding a bike?
A: Theft.
Q: What do you call two black guys riding a bike?
A: Organized crime.

Q: What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
A: "Hey, wheres my tractor?"

Q: Why does SnoopDog need an umbrella?
A: Fo Drizzle.

Q: What did 50-cent say when he received a pair of hand-knitted mittens and matching socks from his grandmother?
A: Gee, you knit?

"Oh you made the chess club? Great! Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!"

This guy is sitting in a restaurant when a bunch of other people come in, screaming "Oh my god, there's a woman outside choking on some cauliflower!" The guy stands up and walks outside, beside the choking woman, remaining calm the whole time. He pulls down her pants and licks her ass. The woman is so surprised that she coughs up the cauliflower she was choking on. The crowd goes "Wow, how did know to do that?" to which the guy replies "Well, I've always been a fan of the hind-lick maneuover."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a huge jar of money on the table, like at least 40 000 dollars. He asks the bartender "What's the money for?" The bartender says "Thats the 'dare' money. If you put 20 dollars into the jar, you can do the dare. If you complete the dare, you get to keep all the money in the jar." The guy then says "Ok, wats the dare?" to which the bartender replies "Well, first, you have chug this bottle of peppered tequila. Then, out back theres a crocodile with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth. Lastly, upstairs theres a 90 year old virgin. You need to fix that." The guys says "O man no way. That's nasty." After a couple beers he gets really drunk and decides to do the dare. He puts 20 bucks in the jar and chugs the bottle of peppered tequila. Then he goes out back and everyone hears a bunch of screaming and roaring and groaning. The guy then walks back in, all torn up and cut everywhere, and says "All right, so wheres that 90 year old who needs her tooth pulled?"

This guy is walking down the street when he sees this really hot blonde chick with perfect mouth-watering tits. The guy goes up to the chick and says "Hey, I'll give you $10 to let me bite your tits." to which the girl replies in disgust "No!" The guy sighs, then runs around the block and comes back. He then says to the girl "I'll give you $100 dollars to let me bite your tits." to which the girl still says "No!" The guy sighs again, runs around the block, comes back and says "I'll give you $1000 to let me bite your tits." to which the girl hesitates, but then still replies "No." Finally, the guy runs around the block again and comes back, saying "All right. I'll give you $10 000 to let me bite your tits." This time, the girl replies "Wow, ten thousand? All right." So the guy and the really hot perfect-titted blonde go into an alleyway and the girl takes off her shirt and bra. The guy then begins to fondle her tits and rub them against his body and face. After a couple minutes, the girl says "Aren't you gonna bite my tits yet or what?" to which the guy replies "No, that would cost me ten thousand bucks. That's too much."

A bear is chasing a squirrel through the forest when they meet a genie. The genie says "I will grant you each three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear replied "Hmm... I guess my first wish would be that all the bears in this forest were females." The genie said "It is done. Now it is your turn, squirrel." The squirrel said "I wish i had a bitchin' motorcycle." and the genie granted his wish. The bear said "Wait wait, I know my second wish. I wish all the bears in the COUNTRY were females." The genie replied "It is done." For his second wish, the squirrel said "I wish i had a cool helmet to wear." and he got it. For his last wish, the bear said "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were females!" The genie replied "It is done. What is your last wish, squirrel?" The squirrel looked around, and then at the bear. "My last wish is that Bear here was gay."

One day, this really drunk guy is walking down the street and he sees a nun. He runs over and knocks her down and says "Not so tough anymore, are you, batman?"

Your family is so poor, I walked into your house and stepped on a cigarette and your mom said "Hey! Who turned off the heater?"

Your family is so poor, I saw your mom kicking a can down the street and I said "Hey, what you doing? and she said "I'm moving."

Your mama is so uncoordinated, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Your mama's so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"

Your mama is so bald, I can see what shes thinking.

Your mama's feet are so scaly that they filmed Crocodile Dundee in her footbath.




Quotes


When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
-Anonymous

This town is so beautiful. It is like a giant pussy waiting to be fucked.
-Iraqi informant to U.S. Deputy Defense minister Paul Wolfowitz

They all say I'm crazy, but what do broccoli kno anyway?
-Joe

"Hey, check out these fireworks I confiscated off some chinese people. Saying they were celebrating New Year's in February..."

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
-George W. Bush

I have all your equipment in my locker. You might wanna come get it, cuz I cant fit my numchuks in there anymore.
-Napoleon Dynamite

Its a liger. Its basically my favorite animal. It's like a cross between a lion and tiger, bred mostly for it's magical powers.
-Napoleon Dynamite

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
-WC Fields

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
-WC Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
-WC Fields




Back to table of contents