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Illegal Drugs
Funny Essay
Jokes & Quotes
These are stories. They're so cool that even if I combined them with you, they'd still be cool. What I'm trying to say is you're not cool. Get a lesson on being cool. There's some at the Univeristy right now. I think they're 200 bucks for a year. It's easy to find, it's right across the hall from the dating class. Don't take that class though. Like, one of the pickup lines they teach there is "Whenever I see you, I hiss and fart uncontrollably" and "Wow! Your father must have been a thief because I saw him stealing candy from a Wal-Mart."

Today's story is from the mind of my friend Toby. It's funny stuff. He says "I was charged with burning down a k-mart but I got off easier because I thought it was an old folk's home I mean c'mon those stupid useless old people with their stupid dentures always trying to bring us down. Well because I thought I was burning an old folk's home I was given a special privelege in the underground prison: my own toilet! It's my most valued possesion and provides an invaluable source of drinking water when the guards are angry."

Today's story is about all our asses. One day, when the human body was made, all the different body parts wanted to be boss of everything. The head said "I should be boss because I hold the brain and that's where all the descisions are made." The hands said "We should be boss because we do all the work for the body." The feet said "We should be boss because we carry all of you, without us you'd be stuck here." So this argument went on for eons, and they could not come to a descision. One day, the ass, who normally never spoke, said "I think I should be boss, just because." And all the other body parts agreed "No way jose, ass, there's no reason you should be boss." So the ass closed it's hole up, and all the gas and shit got crammed up. Finally, all the other body parts said "Okay ass, you can be boss, but only because now we can't get rid of our waste and it stinks something fierce." This is why, today, all our asses have to do is be sat on and laze around, while all the other body parts do the work.

Today's story is about a man. This man looked alot like a pirate, because he had a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye. A young child went up to the man and asked "Sir, are you a pirate?" The man said "No son, I just look like one." The child then replied "Why do you have a hook for a hand?" and the man said "Well, I had a little accident with a carving knife and decided to replace it with a hook, just for fun." The young child laughed at this and then, expecting another interesting story, asked "Well, how did you lose your eye?" And the man replied "well, a seagull shit in my eye and I forgot I had me hook."

Today's story about my friend Peter who is so good-lookin its not even funny, and I say that in the not-gay way. Anyway, we had to do some presentations in our humanities class and he really wanted to get an extra weekend to prepare his. So he was all like "Oh man if I had the weekend to do my presentation, it'd be so good that everyone would be like 'wow he's so good. we should make him him our new God. And Satan'! So then I'd be like totally balanced and so not good and not evil that it would totally blow your mind. I'd b like "WAH" and you'd be like "Oh no my mind it's being blown" and then there'd be a BAM!"

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